Struggle (part 1)

With this blog post, I just want to be honest and share some of my humanity and weakness. I prayed about this one for a long time, and have been thinking about it for over a month. This post is just about my struggle and my pain. It's going to be more than one part because I have a lot on my mind.

Life is hard; not just tough, but vicious. I struggle with sin, and how it seems to want me more than God does. I hate how I can find it more appealing than grace. I can't seem to grasp the fact that no matter what I do, I can't earn grace. Sometimes I feel like I have taken one too many soundings of the depths of God's love and mercy. I guess that is a good struggle to get to have, but it is painful at times. I know that I want God more than anything, yet I'm so content with settling for less over and over again. I feel just like Paul in Romans 7, who noticed this struggle juuust a few years before I did.

I struggle with loving people like i should. Sometimes I get the selfish thought that people just slow me down and that maintaining relationships is more of a hastle than it's worth. I know that isn't true, and it hurts me. I love people, and I care deeply for them. I just don't express it  enough, or in the best way. Another struggle with people I have is that people tend to think your a completely disconnected or "falling away" if you aren't as close with that person. It's so frustrating when people make assumptions about you because they just don't know you as well. I don't want to be the judge of someone based on a lack of knowledge about them.

I struggle with growing, because I want to do it every day and don't. Because I don't grow as fast as I wish I could.

I struggle with why people see me as inapproachable. I want to be someone who always seems open to talk. I want to be a person who you would call at 5 am because you know I will care enough to listen. I don't want to ever seem condescending or stuck up. I don't want to seem too weak or too strong, but someone who is humble as dirt. I don't want to be "right" or wise, I just want to be "there."

In giving advice I also find another struggle. I'm still young in every sense of the word, and I'm still kind of raw. Sometimes I get more caught up in rebuke that encouragement. I struggle with balancing the two. So if I do slap you on the hand, just know that I wouldn't do it if I didn't care a lot. Again, I'm not trying to be right, I'm just trying to help you reach higher.

I struggle with with trust, in two ways. I trust people very quickly and easily, but it has been broken by many people. Some of my closest friends have betrayed me in the past, and I have lost some of them. I have done the same to a few, and received grace. I just want to be able to trust people and not regret it. It also pains me to desire trust from people who have been lied to for so long. Other people have ruined trust for the rest of us. I hate the feeling of ensuring someone with such fervor that you are telling the truth, yet knowing they don't believe you. I wish trust was easier.

I know everyone who reads this can relate to some of these. Let me know on the comments if you share the same struggles, or share a different one. If you're reading this, I hope you know that I love you, and that there is One who loves you even more.